THE SUMMATION OF A WASTED LIFE

Author unnamed...

If I have ever given any person advice that seemed good, forget it. If I have ever said one thing that might sound like a good and intelligent thought, forget it. If any person has ever thought for one moment I was right about any one thing, forget it.

You see, I have come to realize that my entire life is wrong. I am incapable of having (even) one intelligent thought or the author of anything - except for some writings the Lord led me to pen. However, those were not from me but HIM.

You see, fear is not of God. Wisdom and confidence are of God. I have become fearful of everything, I view every person and every living thing as an adversary. After all, only very few people are not of Satan. My fears have been proven out but as a Christian I should not give in to those feelings. I do not love my fellow man but I have come to loath the rotten devils. Therefore, I no longer show the traits of a person who can claim to be of God, according to most scripture.

My confidence is nil. When I was younger, before coming to Christ I was confident but that was not of God. That was the result of the "law of the jungle." I feared not, because I came against anybody who opposed me and I feared no person. I felt I was righteous and fair to those I passed judgment. After I came to the Lord that all changed... I trusted HIM and had compassion. That lasted for nearly 20 years. That trait has disappeared in recent months. I think that is because I have been worn down by the hypocrites and the misled who memorize a few verses of scripture and come to think of themselves as "born-again" Christians. They think they know everything! Amazing! Teach them a few buzz phrases and they fit the scene.

I came from a dysfunctional family of the worst kind. My paternal grandfather was a friend and partner of the infamous Dalton Gang and a whiskey maker... an outlaw who left Alabama to seek refuge in the Oklahoma Territory to avoid the law. My father carried on the family tradition as a Sailor and a Merchant Marine who was friends with the "world." My mother was the daughter of a large, poor family of Irish descent and influence who honored God but lived as a part of the world. Fighting and drinking was a common way of life. The lineage and mixing of the two bloodlines were a dangerous mix of the "world" dominated by the lesser god. It all came together in the most sin-filled city of American history, Hot Springs, Arkansas. Where booze, dope, gambling, prostitution and murder were made glorious and prosperous. The Spiritual mix was deadly and the curse strong!

I came from a beautiful mother who was not properly taught in the application of scripture and spirituality. She was impressionable and dazzled by a worldy man who had all the toys... A fancy car and well dressed, he blew into town, flashed money and represented everything she never had... she married this man. This is described as "unevenly yoked" and against the most basic laws of God. As a result I am cursed... I married a woman who was misguided and cursed. As a result my two youngest children carry the same curse. I have no idea about the first born. I never hear from him and do not know what he stands for anymore. We were close at one time. I have no idea what happened. He just went away.

A replay of Genesis, Chapter 6? Noah was "the only person left that was pure in his generations." Another way of saying his Godly lineage of Seth had not been crossbred with the Satanic lineage of Cain.... It appears to me that the joining of my parents were spiritual failures and were incapable of breeding and rearing decent people by God's standards as well as the standards set forth by a Godly society. The bible warns of this where unequal yoking is practiced. A Christian should not marry a person who does not agree with Jesus' teachings. It provides the perfect opportunity for Satan to blossom in the offspring. My deceased brother would agree with me. He and I had conversations about this. It is my opinion and observation that is the reason he turned out as he did. A very good provider for his children but the rest of his business associates paid dearly. He screwed the daylight out of every person he had dealings with, including me. It was the result of unequal yoking (of his parents) and the mixing of opposing spiritual lineage. God's laws are given us as a guideline for success and happiness. When we violate HIS laws we can expect bad results. Even hell can be the ultimate curse and usually is. Satan provides us with rational that may be used to compromise HIS laws. Another tool of Satan. Rationalize all you want but the truth will not change in order to accommodate an individuals wish. The only way out of the curse is to be "Born Again Of The Spirit" ... A New Creation and then it is still a critical and difficult battle. No room for error!

As a result of the curse; I was abused as a child. Not sexually but in treatment and financial support. I left home at a very, very young age because my father did not chose to support me financially in anything but the most basic of food and very minimal clothing. He moved us to the country... living in the country, my mother or I could not work to buy my clothing and shoes... I had to steal to have 10 cents in my pocket. I chose not to steaI. I did not even have suitable shoes or a 50 cent haircut... he insisted on giving me his horrible haircuts. They were hideous!

Except for a few outbursts that I could not control, I showed him respect until his dying day. When I did come against him, I always asked his forgiveness. I was a little bit more Godly than my offspring. I did keep that one commandment to "Honor Mother and Father."

That is about the only good thing I can lay claim to as a mortal man.

Greed is in my bloodline: My parents failed me, my biological brother cheated me, stole my inheritance, robbed my (saving & loan) lock box, cheated me out of my part of a business I had started, promoted and made highly successful.. and used the proceeds to fund his family and their well-being. My part was in the millions of dollars. Upon his death, his wife and children reciprocated by quit-claiming the small amount of remaining property from my parent's estate to my sister and me. That was good and to their credit. While living, my brother, the executor, could have rightfully liquidated the estate and made part of my estate the house in which I live. He did not. He found it to be to his advantage to drain the estate and properties and funnel money for his use through shady deals with his business associates who always bought the estate properties, which he skimmed and stole. I still do not have a place to call home. The demonic influence and curse from my parents continued to dominate my life and insure my destruction. There is no end. Not in this life. The result of the curse.

When I was in my early twenties I made a mistake. I married a woman who was everything I did not want in a wife. I married her because she was pregnant and I heard a message that "I was to not let her kill the baby." I assumed the message was from God. I did not have a personal relationship with HIM but I knew of HIM and respected HIM. I was a wild and crazy young businessman. This woman I married had just previously arranged the abortion of my child, that a girl I loved was carrying. I believe it was guilt that led me to this assumption of duty. I tried to make the best of a very bad decision and as a result became the sperm donor of three children who I lovingly considered as my children, thus, given the responsibility of raising three children who have proven to hate me and that is OK. I deserve that. We do get what we deserve, either in this life or in eternity or possibly both.

My two youngest kids say I drank a lot... which I did! They consider me a bad father and blame all their problems on me. Maybe so but there are two sides to every story and this is the story from a man who had been demoralized, screwed, tattooed and blued.

In my defense, I provided a good home and allowed the mother of these three children to be a stay-at-home mom. She had her own car, a 4-wheel-drive SUV to carry out her duties as a wife and mother. She never had to work outside the home. She was provided with everything she needed to fund the upbringing of the children. The older two were active in sports and activities that were considered good and healthy. They were denied nothing. The third and youngest was not interested in sports, school or anything that I knew of. His mother was more involved in her bisexual friend, and her imagined grievances than raising him. I was on the road much of the time. I never required the mother or children to work or do anything for themselves. However, it would have been good if they had wanted to excel at something besides hating me.

My first born son was a football superstar and my daughter, the middle child was a basketball player of the best kind. They both had good grades. My youngest son, never cared for anything. Not sports, not school, not anything. I didn't crowd him, I planned on taking him on the road with me, weekends, as soon as he was old enough to learn the tricks of the sales profession... home improvement. I thought he would have been a good salesman and it would have been great training. I never believed in forcing anything. Motivation, not force was my method. It was interrupted by a vicious wife and spoiled daughter.

My daughter and wife decided to kick me out and cut up a "fat hog." They thought there was plenty of money and all they had to do was kick me in the teeth and be awarded a rich lifestyle without me hindering their wayward lifestyle. My daughter ran with a witch who practiced with a coven, I forbade that, she rebelled, her mother supported the rebellion. Several times they lied about where they were spending the night, I punished her and her mother sided with the wayward children. My youngest son played with drugs and I demanded there be no drugs used by my children and I meant it. They formed a militia and kicked me out with the help of my wife's bisexual girlfriend, the coached stories from my daughter and a conscientious judge. No hard feelings on my part. I really liked being homeless. Who wouldn't?

They had no idea how hard it was to make the kind of money required to support the lifestyle of a one income family. She had begun to work part time to give her a more diversified life, preparing herself for the divorce. She contributed nothing to the household.

Years earlier, I made another mistake. Upon suspecting that my wife was "playing around" with a neighbor, which was confirmed in the way "things" happened... combined with the fact that she did not speak to me for a year, I "bugged" our telephone. As a result of what I heard, I backslid. It took near 5 years for this to come to pass but it finally happened. This misery was coupled with my mother's involvement in a tongues-speaking church and she was convinced I was not saved because I did not speak in tongues. Too much to deal with! I began drinking to excess as I was not dealing with this knowledge well. For five years after learning of this I remained a faithful and hard-working father. I did not want to disappoint my mother who loved the children. She was happy in her role as a grandmother and I did not want to bring an end to her pleasure or upset the children. I certainly did not want a strange man beating my kids or raping my daughter... Therefore, I stayed to supervise the kids. I wished I had not. I wished I had left for a life of my own. They could have grown up druggies, whores and witches.

I wanted love. I did not have love. I had never had love... not as a child, not as a husband and father... I was strictly a meal ticket and I cramped their lifestyles. I was a bad dad and husband as far as my wife, her family and soon the children believed. My wife and my brother had my mother convinced that they were both pure and I was entirely wrong. I had been horribly wronged by both of them. A convincing combination of devils. I had become a heavy drinker! Soon I was to begin the life of an adulter.

After 5 years I went looking for love. I kicked God out of my life. I was not a hypocrite! I quit the church and I lived a horrible and rotten life in hell without God. Therefore the younger two children did not have the same benefit as did their older brother. He had a few more years of development under a "good" father. They all suffered. Therefore, the curse of the family lineage and my wife's evil lineage continued. The lineage seems to have been stopped in my siblings' lineage but the curse continues through me. I regretfully wish that it had ceased through me too. I have no relationship with the three of whom I am credited with being the sperm donor.

My daughter was bitter and filled with hatred for me which was caused by her mother. She was angry because she was led to believe I would not buy her a car. She was wrong! She was not even of driving age yet. I was in the process of a career change. I had decided to get out of the high pressured home improvement sales business and I was hurriedly building an insurance business that was becoming successful. Had she and her mother not kicked me out of the house she would have had a car and all the other things I would have been able to provide. After being kicked out of the house and my insurance business destroyed by her mother.... and their lawyer. The IRS became involved because of her lawyer and the reward. They levied my insurance accounts and my checking accounts, I could do nothing. I was broke, broken, homeless and very sick from the stress.

My wife and her girlfriend, influenced these kids in a very evil way. Wifey was naive and her friend was evil. Looking for love in all the wrong places.

A recovering addict, my youngest, now views himself as Godly. He hates me because I drank too much, like he needs an excuse? Do people of God really hate their fathers when the father has asked forgiveness? I must be wrong about that? I was wrong about everything else.

An arrogant and selfish middle child, a daughter, decided she did not like a voice mail message I left when I thought I was dying and trying to get her to call me. She demanded that I never call her again. Wrong again! Why not? I was wrong about everything else.

And... a strange first born son who is not honest enough to even explain his hatred for me. He came of age before my daughter, my wife and her girl friend destroyed the home. Therefore, he attended the finest college in Arkansas... for 2 years before the"grass" interfered with his progress... and he had a nifty 4-wheel drive Blazer and carried his own credit card. Yes, my daughter would have had all the same except for the expensive college. She would have had to settle for a smaller school but so did her friends. None of them went to Hendrix, the "Harvard of the South!" She let her mother upset her life. I was only there to pay the bills anyway. There was no love in that union from hell. I was working hard to build a new business for the kids. I never did anything for myself except self medicate.

As a result I can plainly see that Jesus' teaching that "You will know them by the fruit they bear" shows clearly that I am a bad tree. I bear no good fruit and my daily life has become a failure by the standards of God as well as the standards of society.

I have been led to produce several works from God but I find little pleasure in them today. God is eternal and HIS fruits are eternal. I do not bear witness to any good and lasting thing. I receive many messages from people who thank me for a website I publish as it brings understanding and many people say it is a real blessing. I say to myself; "Heal thy own self"

In the last two decades, upon being kicked out and homeless, I found Christ again... Since then and for many years, I felt sure that the world hated me because I belonged to Jesus. But, if I truly belong to Jesus I would feel happy in HIM. I am not happy. I am fearful and regretful. There was a time I was happy in HIM, that is no longer the situation.

Let this be known and let it be known that I produced nothing in the flesh to prosper the Kingdom. I wish it were not so and I have tried very hard to serve HIM in the Spiritual. As for my life and work, it is a total failure! If, by any stretch of the imagination, I have ever done one thing to lead any person to believe any other thing, forget it.

I came from "nothing," I produced "nothing" and I will return to nothing. Only through a miracle will I see the Kingdom. "Few will enter." Let me mention a few of the false doctrines and teachings that will result in etrnal hell: "Once Saved Always Saved" <> "Grace will overrule the breaking of God's laws" <> "ignoring Jesus' warnings that a rich man can hardly enter the Kingdom" <> "Greedy people, adulterers and liars will make the Kingdom by GRACE." These are a few of the lies taught through the liberal, new age doctrines taught by major denominations. Ignorance will be no excuse. If that it is the case then the gospel need not be taught if the ignorant will make it anyway.

This testimony is only the tip of the iceberg where the curse is concerned. I have come to understand it very well. Few will understand but I am led to publish the facts anyway.

Can anybody relate to this wasted life? I hope not many.

Anonymous
3-27-10

P.S.

Note from the author of the letter "Wasted" .....

I must explain the reason I felt this page should be published on this site. A Site that proclaims the power and love of our Lord. It appears that this page does not agree with that purpose and intent. However, this was one of the most powerful lessons the Lord has taught me. It is usually in our darkest hour in which true, meaningful lessons are taught us. The morning this lesson was taught was the morning I opened my eyes from a troubled sleep and the darkness of hell enveloped me. My Spirit was at war. It was this day that my eyes were fully opened to the horrors that conquer us as a result of living outside the safety of God's rules or laws.

This page is an honest expression of the torment and anguish that descended on me that day last week. I held back nothing. The reason is to show us how important it is to take refuge in HIS laws and when we violate them to quickly repent and ask HIS protection.

Even though I have dedicated my life to HIS service, the evil that was sent to me was before my "born again" experience and my dedication to serving HIM. I will always pay for the sin of living outside HIS cocoon of safety... Safety from the world and the "evil one" who stalks God's children.