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Rules Of Golf As Proposed By Fluffy McDuff

Rule 1.  A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal
to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for
uncontrollable mechanical phenomena. 
Rule 2.  A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck
has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled
if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there. 
Rule 3.  There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will
eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to
compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke. 
Rule 4.  If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of
gravity supersedes the law of golf. 

Rule 5.  Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does
not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole.
No one wants to make a travesty of the game. 
Rule 6.  There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds" If penny-pinching golf club owners bought
sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology not a penalty. 
Rule 7.  There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not
is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for
manufacturer's shortcomings. 
Rule 8.  Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes
etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average Golfer, 1/2 a stroke per hole may be subtracted for
using old equipment.  

Rule 9.  A Senior Citizen's handicap may be calculated as follows: Number of prescription drugs taken
each day X the number of grandchildren that visit each year.

Rule 10. This business about scoring a "birdie" when the player has not hit a "birdie" shall cease!
Just because you get into the hole 1 stinkin' shot under par does not give you the right to claim
a "birdie".... You must hit a bird (in flight) to claim a "birdie". If you hit an eagle in flight you may claim an "eagle".
OKAY???? Get over it!

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